Wormtail's Confession
by oasis
Summary: complete. Did you have difficulty understanding why Wormtail made the choices he did? Read this and find out. Please review.


Unfortunately I don't own any of the characters, they're all JK's, just written this for a bit of fun.  
  
Most people perceive Wormtail as a two-dimensional idiot, here is a more realistic portrayal of his character. It contains his thoughts and feelings on the reasons for the choices that he made.  
  
Wormtail's confession By Oasis  
  
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14th June 1998  
  
Dear . . . diary? But it's not really a diary. To whom it may concern, but that sounds to removed and formal. As you can see, I don't know how to begin this, so I think I will just start any old how and try and put these thoughts, which have been plaguing me for years down onto paper. I don't know what made me lift up the quill and put it to parchment but I feel I must put my thoughts down before it is too late or before it no longer matters. I have never been much of a writer, all that wishy-washy nonsense of getting your thoughts onto paper, who cares? You know what you are why bother to put it on parchment? Now I find I am doing the same thing, funny old world. As I was saying I have never been one for much writing, never been much of anything really, and that is the crux of the matter, my failure as a wizard and a friend. I guess you are surprised to hear me confess my failure as a wizard, no doubt you have heard of the famous . . . no infamous marauders of Hogwarts, some of the most cleverest students to ever attend the great magical school! But I wasn't really a marauder, I don't mean that the others, James, Sirius and Remus did not see me as part of the group, for they did but that I did not feel myself worthy to belong to the group. I was a rather bumbling, slightly clumsy child who has grown up to be an awkward, stuttering man.  
  
I did not think I would get into Hogwarts, my family did not think I would get in. everybody was so pleased when the letter came, I could not stop smiling and laughing for days. When September first arrived and I got into the Hogwarts express and saw the first years I was over whelmed, they were all so much bigger than me for I had always been very small for my age. I was a very shy boy who wanted to be noticed but didn't know how to go about getting my desire. The sorting was a nerve racking experience for me, the hat took so long to decide my house that I felt it would soon be snatched off my head and I would be told that I would not suit any of the houses and to please leave as soon as possible. The hat was having a lot of difficulty as to where to place me for it said I was very ambitious and ruthless but lacked the magical prowess to see them through. I still remember what that hat said to me to this day, isn't that pathetic for I know it was right. I always wanted power but lacked the talent both intellectually and magically to see them through. The desire to get power, be noticed for myself rather than as a tag along, has got me to what I am and led me to make the choices that I did.  
  
I was there when James and Sirius first met, James was looking around with those open big brown eyes of his, as if he wanted to take in the entire world with one glance, he was laughing and teasing, feeling very much at ease. I suppose you could say he was slightly arrogant even at that age but that was inevitable since he was the future head of one of the premier pure blood families. I think the only time I have seen him lost for words or being even slightly embarrassed was with Lily. Sirius was also the future head of another premier pure blood family but unlike James he was rather quiet until after the sorting and scowled at every one that approached. Every one knew Sirius would be in slytherin, all his family for generations back had been slytherins, their pure bloodlines went back as much as the Malfoys. Just as everyone knew that James would be in gryffindor. When Sirius was declared a gryffindor, his cousins, particularly Belatrix who was fifteen booed, but I could see by his face that Sirius was pleased.  
  
Remus was a very shy boy, it seemed he had not had much contact with other children, later I found out why. We were very shocked when we discovered what the monthly disappearances and cover stories about family illnesses and deaths hid but we were young, we were friends and we did not care. I suppose you could say we were brave and foolish being best friends with a werewolf after all the stories pure blood children get told of brutal attacks and killings by werewolves. I was very scared the first time I saw the huge wolf Remus became but Sirius and James were staunchly loyal and in order to be friends with them I had to stay friends with Remus. Also the rest of the month Remus was a rather shy unassuming boy.  
  
To get back to the beginning of the story of the marauders which I was talking about before I went off on a tangent, as soon as James and Sirius found that they both had the same impetuous temperament as well as the same liking for pranks a firm friendship was formed. I mostly saw them at the dormitory where the four of us had beds. James and Sirius became friends with Remus after about three months, it was not easy to get close to him, he had a huge secret and he was terrified of discovery but eventually loneliness and persistence one out and they became friends. What of me? Well, I was still there of course, although no one really noticed me. How did I become friends with them? Well, some of the third years were laughing at me and pointing, calling me fatty and midget. All houses were involved really and it had been going on for a while. Hogwarts is quite an enclosed environment, if you have friends it is great but if you don't it can be a very lonely experience made worse by the fact you are stuck there twenty- four hours a day for at least three months at a time. I was cowering as usual, trying to fade into the background when James and Sirius came up, dragging an awkward looking Remus, for Remus hated crowds and all forms of arguments. They protected me that time, they got me away from there and we planned pranks to get back at the bullies. The marauders were born!  
  
As we rose up the years, I felt so happy, for a while, a blissful short time, I was totally content. I had friends, I belonged. Then jealousy began to creep in again. That muggle writer, I forget his name, Shakestear, no, Shakespeare was definitely right. Jealousy is the green-eyed monster that, if allowed to, will take over a heart and can destroy worlds. I noticed that I was still just a tag along, I was never the leader. It wasn't that the other marauders were stopping me from leading, they didn't much care who thought of the prank just as long as the idea was good. But I noticed that Sirius and James usually thought of the ideas, whilst Remus after unsuccessfully trying to dissuade them, thought of the cleverest ways of doing the prank so as not to get into trouble. And what was I in the scheme of things? I was the one who did the dirty work, sneaking around to see when it was clear, keeping a look out, manoeuvring teachers and ghosts so as to obtain a clear space. Every one always saw James and Sirius as the leaders and Remus as the brains but what was I?  
  
Another thing that so annoyed me was that I tried so hard to do my work well, but no matter how hard I worked, James and Sirius seemed to always beat me without trying. They had the natural talent, which I was so eagerly, and unsuccessfully trying to obtain. I would stay up half the nights the week before a test revising, whilst James and Sirius sat heads close deeply engrossed in a game of wizards' chess or exploding snap, only to find that they achieved 2 or even higher grades more than me. I suppose I was an average student in most subjects and got average marks but my friends were the top students in nearly all the subjects which meant compared to their grades mine always looked much worse. Take the example of James, Sirius and I becoming animagy. Most fully qualified witches and wizards can't become animagy but I managed it at the age of fifteen, although I had a lot of help from the other two, I had to have had the talent to carry the spell out. Some times, well, quite often really they used to tease me or laugh about how long it took to get ideas and spells into my head. No doubt people would say that it was only in fun, what harm could a little teasing do between friends? But it wasn't one day or even two days, it was over and over again and the worst of it was that they didn't even noticed my embarrassments and humiliation. Remus would sometimes tell the others off but each time they would turn to me innocently and ask if I knew that it was only meant as a joke and did I mind? Of course I said I didn't, I was so flattered they were my friends, I idolised them. If I were not with them, those other students would try to bully me again. Why do I say try? They did bully me but were each time thrust back by one of the marauders.  
  
After graduation, James and Sirius had become aurors and were quickly rising through the ranks. The dark lord had steadily been emerging as a force to be reckoned with for the previous seven years, any one who could show that they could fight and stay alive rose very quickly through the ranks. James, who had started to go out with Lily in our seventh year, was planning to marry the following year. Sirius, who had run away from home had set up his own flat, so much had happened to Sirius - his own family had thrown him out at the age of sixteen and yet he seemed to love life. Remus was busy looking after an ill and dying mother. The marauders had really broken up! Oh sure we were still friends, but things had changed, it would never be as it was in Hogwarts, the four marauders against the rest of the world. Now, wives and families would arrive and would be more important than old friends.  
  
I drifted for about a year and a half, there seemed no place for me. It was then, that I seriously began to think of the dark lord. You may say this was idiotic, since he, or at least his death eaters had killed James' parents who had both been aurors only two months earlier. I thought what is the point of resisting him when he has already taken over most of the UK and would shortly take over the rest of Europe? It would be best to be on the winning side. No doubt, you are saying I only wanted to save my skin and of course I did but I began to persuade myself that even though it would help me I would also save my friends since if I was in with the dark lord I could surely save them as well when Dumbledore and the tottering ministry inevitably fell. Yes, I would be doing them a favour by joining, I would even be saving their lives. Doesn't the mind work wonders and think up all sorts of excuses when you desperately want to do some thing? Obviously I could not talk about my plans with the other marauders, they would be shocked, at Hogwarts, we had talked often enough about what we would do to death eater suspects. One of the dark lord's agents had been approaching me for the past three months trying to recruit me, I was flattered, most people didn't care about me, even my so called friends were too busy for more than a weekly visit. So I joined, I thought it would be the best day of my life, instead I now think it was one of the worst! The ceremony was awful, barbaric, the dark mark was branded onto the skin with a burning wand whilst the dark lord looked into your eyes - I now know he was performing legillimens to test for both loyalty as well as for possible spies - and mattered some ancient spells that he had modified himself. I was ill for days afterwards with a high fever that potions could not cure.  
  
When I saw the marauders afterwards I was both happy and sad. I was happy because when the dark lord one, at last I would have power, I would be some one, I would even be more powerful and wealthy than either James or Sirius. I was sad because I could not shout this fact from the rooftop. I wanted to laugh, jump and shout, I was a little child, exuberant with happiness. This feeling slightly dulled when I had to commit my first murder, of course I knew I would have to do that but the words hadn't really sunk in properly before. It was horrible! I had to kill a six-year-old girl, she was so terrified. Even now, I some times see her pleading, scared eyes. At first she had stared at me with curiosity, not understanding that I was her grim reaper, not understanding that her future would end in the next two minutes. Then as time went on, she looked from her bound, screaming mother to my masked face and trembling hand that clutched the wand that would end her life with big tear filled eyes and lips that trembled.  
  
After that murder I thought of leaving the dark lord but once you were in, you were in for life. I had heard of countless death eaters who had lost the bottle and tried to run and paid with their life. I would not make the same mistake. My animagus was the rat, some people may lean back in disgust but the rat is adaptable. The rat can adapt to whatever the environment requires, from a desert to the sewer. After all, no person is more than six feet away from a rat even in London, the heart of the ministry. The rat always survives even though there have been countless attempts to eradicate it by so many means from poison to traps. We learn and we adapt. So I adapted to my new situation, from being in with his foremost opponents I became a spy for the dark lord against those opponents. Though Belatrix may laugh at me and Lusius may raise his blond eyebrow in arrogant disdain, yet I have contributed more to the cause than they can ever know. And It pains me to say that I wish I hadn't, I wish some one had chopped off my arm when I had stretched it out to be marked!  
  
What difference the passage of a few short years makes to a person's thoughts and opinions, beliefs and ideas. Instead of seeing that I have contributed to the best cause I now see that I betrayed my friends for nothing but arrogance and selfishness. The years of closeness and friendship that I had disdained as being nothing but weakness I now see as strengths. Why did I betray the Potters? Sirius was right, it was for power, after hearing about the prophecy I saw that if I gave up the Potters I could become second to the dark lord himself. Puny peter Pettigrew would make some thing of himself at last. What did I care for friends and youthful promises of loyalty? So I betrayed the best friends any one could have, (for I betrayed Sirius as well) the friends who had so often stood up for me against the criticisms and laughter of so many who said I was just a tag along with no brains and even less magic. Severus and Bellatrix stand out in my mind as two of the foremost in the crowd of Peter bashers. I was one of the reasons why the other marauders and Snape hated each other so fervently. I also betrayed my best friend's wonderful, beautiful wife. I guess you can tell that I had a crush on Lily Potter. I had adored her since sixth year, she was so amazing, with her long auburn hair, her iridescent green eyes and a smile that lit up the room. In sixth year, of course there was no way of approaching Lily without facing James' anger and in seventh year there was no chance. There was no one for her apart from James after they got together. You can see how jealous I was of my best friend, he was so happy and I was so depressed.  
  
After they made me their secret keeper I didn't know what to do. They trusted me with their life and I was honoured by the trust they showed, although I noticed that as usual I was the second choice, only a bluff to throw off the dark lord. This was my chance to get power and have the dark lord indebted to me for the eradication of his enemy. Yes, I knew that he would kill James and Lily and particularly Harry. Even at that time I felt slightly guilty for betraying them all but I desired power more.  
  
When I discovered that baby Harry had defeated the dark lord, I didn't know what to do for both sides would soon be after me. the death eaters for leading the dark lord to the Potters where he met his downfall and once Sirius told them of my betrayal the rest of the world as well. The light wizards would come after me even though it was my supposed disloyalty, which in killing two people would save countless thousands of others over the years. For if we say the dark lord would have killed a thousand people a year, I had saved twelve thousand. Even if you gave a very conservative estimate and say he would have killed a hundred people a year I had saved the lives of more than a thousand people. If you added the fact that the light side would also have killed people it could be seen that my betrayal had removed the threat over the whole of the wizard population. All right, this happened inadvertently, I had no idea Harry would defeat the dark lord at the age of just fifteen months but it did happen. My so called friends would not see that though, they would be blinded by the personal tragedy of two dead friends by the betrayal of the third and a baby left orphaned by his parents' deaths. Really, I thought as I furiously paced around my flat they should be thanking me on bended knees for initiating the downfall of the dark lord with so little cost. It was my usual bad luck that this would not happen and I knew that it would only be a matter of time before Sirius came to find me.  
  
I had to think, for once I thought of a brilliant scheme to throw both sides off track, and get Sirius removed from the scene all at the same time. I kept moving that night for fear of discovery, yet I dared not just disappear to live as my animagus form for I knew Sirius and Remus would not rest until they had found and killed me. So when Sirius eventually caught up to me I threw the magical explosives the dark lord had given me for a job the next night, the charm of these beauties was that after contact with the target they dissolved entirely, leaving no trace of their existence. At the same time, I muttered the avadakadavra curse, shouted about Sirius' betrayal and disappeared in the confusion and destruction leaving a laughing and slightly hysterical Sirius behind. I had survived!  
  
My time with the Weaslies were some of the most contented in my life, life was simple and the animagus form lessened the nightmares and stresses I would no doubt otherwise have had. How I wish things could have carried on like that. I was not particularly keen on getting the dark lord back. He is a very harsh master, the slightest dissatisfaction and it is the cruciatus curse, how I hate that spell, I am sure it has taken years off my life. It was full moon that night that the self-righteous group discovered my true identity. When I escaped, I could have kissed the wolf that had attacked Remus but after the brutal condition of the past four years, the war, the fear, the violence, the torture, the disappearances and the deaths I am not so sure. Why did I restore the dark lord?  
  
I have no real answer for that question, it is one I have been wrestling with for the longest time. The only thing I have come up with is that I was panicking. The world would soon know I was the betrayer of the parents of the boy-who-lived, the hero and saviour of the wizarding world. I would surely get the kiss, imagine living like that, a soulless existence, with no memory and no personality. I suppose I was like a drug addict or some thing - when unbearable and stressful problems came up I automatically searched for the familiar. I unthinkingly went for the thing which would give momentary relief but which would in the long run lead to an unimaginably painful death after years of torture and fear first. Two minutes after I had thought of going back to the dark lord I was already in Albania via means of a couple of quick apparitions. He would surely keep Sirius away and he would be so grateful to me about bringing him back he would not care I had not gone for him earlier. That is the best and worst thing about apparating, it is almost instantaneous.  
  
How I wish I had apparated to almost anywhere else in the world, Australia, India, south America, even the north pole and continued to live as a rat. After all it had worked for the past twelve years. It would have probably taken years for Sirius to discover where I had gone if at all but no I had to make the next biggest mistake of my life and apparate straight to the place it was rumoured the dark lord had gone to. Looking after the dark lord that first year was almost more than I could bear, he was like a disgusting toad that had climbed out of a sealed hundred-year-old hole. I could not leave, I had not the power to resist and he very seldom let me out of his site anyway. When he did, he sent that horrible giant of a snake after me with instructions to severely injure me if I made the slightest move for escape.  
  
When I had to take Harry's blood for that ritual I felt so guilty. Living in his dormitory for three years meant that I had come to know Harry very well, I knew of the awful things he went through each year and the horrible childhood which my betrayal had thrust upon him. That is why I appealed to him in the third year, I knew he would not let me be killed, his generous nature, which I both admire and disdain, would simply not allow it. Yes, Harry is very much his father's son; James acted very much in the same way.  
  
Owing a wizards' debt, to the son of the friend I betrayed, has been a galling experience. The dark lord was not pleased to find that I owed my life to his nemesis. Wizard debts are among the oldest of magic, whose affects are still not understood and therefore most people try to repay them as soon as possible. That was why the dark lord was so angry when I suggested it would be easier to use another wizard to perform the ritual of return instead of Harry Potter. He knew I was under the debt and would find it somewhat difficult to harm Harry until the debt had been repaid but also understood that it had to be Harry if he was to get the protection Lily had left. As I tied him up and took his blood, I couldn't even look at the boy, I felt so ashamed. The burden of the debt has been growing in me of late. I do not think it is just the magic working, the truth is, I have a guilty conscience! And now I am drawing to the end of my story, isn't it weird and a little disconcerting that a life has been summarised in only one roll of parchment?  
  
I have been wondering what to do with this . . . confession. After much thought, I have decided to use a muggle method of putting it into a sealed bottle and putting the whole thing in the sea. Let fate and the waves decide who, if any one, gets to read it. Since it is difficult for me to go there at the moment, I will tell my house elf to take it to the sea and throw it far out into the water. I will order her not to give it to anyone else. She is loyal to me and will not disobey an order. Even rolled up the parchment is too big to fit in the bottle so I will shrink it first with the added spell that when the bottle is opened and the parchment taken out it will automatically go back to its original size. Why am I going to all this trouble? I guess I want the undistorted truth to be known. I will add another proviso, that the bottle is drawn towards and can only be opened by a wizard. After all, I do not want to add to my already huge list of mistakes and let the muggles know of the hidden world of wizards amongst them.  
  
The last two years of life has been pretty similar, after that bumbling fool Fudge finally accepted the dark lord had returned. There have been increasing raids against muggles, mud bloods and even pure blood wizards who do not accept the cause. I have of course taken part in these raids. The slaughter, the carnage and the screaming have become an ever-increasing part of my life. You would expect that I would be used to death and pain by now, you probably think I hardly even give a passing thought that I am taking a life when I use the avadakadavra curse. It is not the case at all, it is the opposite. Of course I remember the earliest murders more vividly, the first one is always the worst but I remember my most recent murders as well. I want the pain and death to be over.  
  
Now we get to the main reason why I have written this letter. Tomorrow I will most likely die, I will probably be not around to see the end of the day. A lot of people will die, the end has come. After many battles and huge losses on both sides, the end of the war one way or the other is finally here. For months, every magical creature, from the giants to the house elves, from the dementors to the mountain trolls, have been fighting with one side or the other. No one is neutral. I think that it is time I faced up to the truth of what I am and the mistakes I made before it is too late. I am a coward and a traitor, who betrayed the only people who cared enough for him to possibly even die for him despite his weaknesses. I have only been interested in surviving and saving my skin at the expense of countless others. Most of all, I left behind everything that I believed in and which I knew was right to join a man who stood totally against all of those beliefs. The worst of it is, I can't even say I was naive and innocent, and didn't know what I was doing. I knew fully well.  
  
The dark lord - why do I keep calling him that? After all these years, I can't even write, never mind say his name, but if I am going to finally admit my mistakes and stand up for what is right I must not be afraid any more, I must say his name. So, the dar-vol-voldamort had committed many murders, before I joined his ranks, which his agents had proudly boasted about in all the newspapers. There, I said the name and nothing happened, the floor did not open to swallow me up. At the beginning of this letter I was saying that writing down your thoughts is just a lot of nonsense for people with too much time on their hands and who have nothing better to do but I was wrong in that too. Writing my thoughts and feelings down, and reading the letter back, has helped to clarify things in my mind.  
  
I know what I have to do tomorrow, I will do every thing in my power to help Harry Potter and the light wizards to defeat Voldemort and end this war once and for all. I know you are probably saying, what can a little traitor of a rat like you do to end a war? But you never know, as an old saying goes, one grain of rice could tip the scales to make the difference between victory and defeat. Now that I have made up my mind and am finally going to do what I know to be right, I feel much better, my conscience feels lighter than it has for several years.  
  
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